You know you’ve been there. You’re in a meeting with some marketers and someone starts throwing words around like “next generation”, “game changing” or “leverage” just once too often and you start wondering if there is such a thing as marketing jail and if so, how exactly do you send someone there. Well my dear readers I too feel your pain and have come up with just the solution for you: Marketing Penalty Cards.
So here is what you do. Get some yellow cards and some red cards (What? You need me to do *everything* for you!?). In a pinch you can print out this page and cut out the little pictures of the referees, OK? Now read the rules below and when you witness anyone committing a Crime Against Marketing, whip out your handy card, get your referee face on and show it like you mean it!
The Yellow Card
Yellow Card Offenses:
- Awful Jargon: Use of any of the following terms: leverage, next generation, synergy, paradigm, innovative, viral, new media, leading edge and my personal favorite – robust (which is a fancy way of saying “not buggy, we promise!”).
- Meaningless Claims: claims that don’t mean anything and could be applied to almost any product on the planet such as “We provide robust, leading edge solutions” or “Our innovative capabilities make us one of the leading providers of new media capabilities”. Your customers translate those statements into the language Charlie Brown’s teacher speaks “wah, wah, wah, wah, wah”
- Targeting the Universe: If a marketer says the words “This product is perfect for everyone!”, you can pretty much be guaranteed that exactly the opposite is true.
- Ignoring Your Segmentation: Your home page says you offer solutions for Transportation companies but you still have a little drop down menu called “Industries” that lists 7 others, none of your lead generation is focused on Transportation and your sales folks haven’t seen a deal they didn’t like in any industry under the sun.
- Sneaky Tactics: Paying folks to pitch your stuff without disclosing it, fine print that puts folks on your mailing list when they are trying to download something, changing your terms of service without telling people, all of these things are just plain sneaky. They aren’t against the law but they show that you are not entirely to be trusted and that customers should keep their eye on you.
- Annoying People: This could be as simple as sending way too much email to folks on your opt-in list to things that are tasteless, insulting, annoying or just plain goofy. Oh yeah and I almost forgot to mention this – Interruption marketing in any form sucks!!!
- Oprah: If Oprah wants to buy something from you, for Pete’s sake let her! (Oh and imagine how happy your customers would be if you treated them all like Oprah)
The Red Card
This is to be given out when someone has made a serious Offense Against Marketing. This is the sort of behavior that is so vile, so rotten, so utterly *wrong* that witnessing it makes you makes you want to scratch the word marketing off of your business card. This type of behavior requires serious action. Whip out your Red Card and blow that whistle baby!
- Lies: Other than the fact that generally it’s *illegal*, there is nothing that could ever justify telling a lie in your marketing. Customers aren’t idiots. They will notice that you didn’t deliver on your promise and tell their friends about it and trust me, negative word of mouth is much more powerful than positive word of mouth.
- Spam: Do you like to receive spam yourself? Do you like being called a spammer? If you answered yes to one of this questions, we’ve got your card right here.
- Something That Might Make a Customer Want to Sue You: this would include not honoring your contractual obligations, using their name/logo without their permission, leaking confidential information (double points if it is to a competitor), all of which might result in your getting your corporate wrist slapped not to mention the fact that THESE ARE YOUR CUSTOMERS. You know, those people that give you money? Actually getting sued by a customer is not only a Red Card Offense Against Marketing but also qualifies you for the Marketing Hall of Shame.